I'm overdue with posting about Chapter 6 from "Crazy Love."

I think part of it is because life has been crazy here lately with all the home renovations.

But I think the other part of it is that I'm still kind of trying to figure out how best to wrap my head around the chapter. For me, Chapter 6 was a convicting chapter. It's one where I know all the right answers, but at the same time, feel like my actions aren't living up to the answers as I know they should be.

The prevailing thought for me during this chapter: "Love IS Action."

Growing up, my home church had a rotating monthly service committee called "Love In Action." All the families of the church were put into a group. I believe there were something like 13-15 groups. Each group served for a month, and were responsible for meals at church events, coffee hour, greeting, communion serving, etc. The idea behind it is wonderful -- it's us showing our love in action.

Yet, if we LOVE, we shouldn't have to be grouped to show forth the action. For truly, love IS action.

If you love someone, you don't sit on the couch and say, "Here I am, serve me." You say, "Here I am, how can I serve you?" And this is the thought that's kept me from writing about this chapter this week. I feel like I'm being the "Here I am, serve me" version of love -- not just to God, but to others around me as well. I'm too caught up in the craziness around me and feel that I'm deserving of a break. As if others don't also experience that craziness.... As a result of my attitude, no one is getting the love they deserve from me.

I also had a revelation this week. Jon and I have talked many times that we haven't been "happy" since Baltimore. Certainly we have -- but what we mean by that is that our life has become more and more hectic, stressful, busy, stretched thin. And when I was considering this week why that might be, I realized the biggest difference: I haven't truly been serving since we left Baltimore. I've done things here or there or with the larger group at work during charity events. But I've not gone out of my way and sacrificially served. I've not gotten plugged in at church.

I try to claim that it's because I want to volunteer/serve as a family, which isn't untrue or a bad thing. But the difference is that Jon's job requires that he serve on a daily basis. My job isn't like that. So while Jon needs the evenings and weekends to refill, I need them to give -- to serve as a way to refill. Understanding, of course, that my family time is critical, and too short since we both work. That said, I'm taking it as a challenge to myself to find a way to serve on my own that doesn't take time away from my family -- or as little time as possible.

So all that said, I've kind of touched on the chapter without even opening the book. So now lets open up the book.

On page 100, Chan speaks of his Grandmother-in-Law, Clara. He speaks of how in love she was with Christ, how she couldn't wait to spend time with Jesus every day, how her life was completely centered and focused on Him. I was fortunate to have a "Clara" in my life. My Grandmother was one of those women who lived her life for Christ. I would often walk through her kitchen to find her head in her hands bowed in prayer. Meals not only began but also ended with a prayer. She has even shared that she saw Jesus late one night as she was nursing my sick aunt back to health. Everything she said or did pointed to Christ.

This section of the book and the memories of my Grandma reminded me of one of the first contemporary Christian songs I heard and fell in love with: "Midnight Oil" by Phillips, Craig, and Dean.

"Mama liked to burn the midnight oil down on her knees in prayer. If you asked her why she did it, she said she did it cause she cared. Now Mama always talked to Jesus when she knelt by her rocking chair. Oh I'm glad my Mama was willing to burn the midnight oil in prayer."

The song goes on to talk about how now he burns the midnight oil in prayer as well and hopes that one day his boy will grow to do the same. What a legacy - it's one that I pray I'm creating in my children as well.

The next page of "Crazy Love," page 101, poses a question that really stopped me dead in my tracks. Chan quoted John Piper with the following, "The critical question for our generation - and for every generation - is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

It's certainly a question I'd never considered before. When you think of heaven, what do you think of? I think of beauty, perfection, no more hurts, no more fears, no more pain, no more heartache. Most of the songs, books, etc., that I've read or heard talk about these aspects of heaven. The only song I can even think of that speaks of Jesus in heaven is "I Can Only Imagine." Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are many more of them, and I know that Biblically speaking, Jesus is noted to be in heaven. However, I think we're missing the boat -- we're thinking of how heaven will benefit us by things -- not the fact that we'll be in the presence constantly of the Almighty God. The realization that my idea of heaven was focused on the wrong parts of heaven was a sobering thought for me.

Page 102 really drove me to the statement I made earlier about the need to serve. On this page, Chan asks, "Is loving God - and by extension, loving people - what you are about?" I think I've become lax about this. However, it's what I would like to be about.

On Thursday night this week, we had the opportunity to see Aaron Ivey in concert during his home tour. He had a song that really spoke to me. The song is called "Give Your Life Away" and the specific lyrics that hit me are: "And you find you’re never alive till you give, you give your life away." For Jesus Christ, let me give my life away.

Despite all these realizations, we come back to the thoughts I shared in previous chapters. I'm an imperfect being, incapable of loving God the way He deserves to be loved. Chan addresses this as well on page 103. "The answer lies in letting Him change you. His counsel wasn't to "try harder," but rather to let Him in." Jesus promises in John 10:10, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Chan continues, "The fact is, I need God to help me love God. And if I need His help to love Him, a perfect being, I definitely need His help to love other, fault-filled humans."

I think I smiled when I read those couple paragraphs from which I pulled the above excerpt. I had been pretty hard on myself - berating the times I've not given my best, the times I've not loved my family as they deserve or my God as He deserves. Over and over again, I've told my self to try harder, to be more disciplined, to be less selfish. I've prayed about it -- but to be honest, I've told myself to "try harder" more often than I've asked God to help me. I've got my priorities mixed around.

Chan begins to wrap up the chapter on page 110 when he writes, "when we work for Christ out of obligation, it feels like work. But when we truly love Christ, our work is a manifestation of that love, and it feels like love."

In our sermon on Saturday night, our pastor asked, "Duty or Delight? Understanding or Acknowledgement?" Is it a head thing or a heart thing?

God is a heart thing.

Let Him in.