I really enjoyed this chapter. The previous chapters all had me wrestling with a lot of things: how I can better serve God, how I can better serve others, am I being obedient, etc. This chapter helped me really identify those key areas and ask somewhat imposing questions of myself.

The challenge: how honest with myself am I willing to be?

The bigger challenge: what will I do about it?

I essentially used Chan's descriptions of what a person obsessed with God looks like, and I asked myself if that was a reflection of me. Join me in asking and answering the questions for yourself.

Do you give freely and openly? Do you love those who "hate" or challenge you and have no capacity to love you back?

My first reaction is of course! I'm a loving, giving, caring person. And that's true in many ways. But in considering my actions, I'm very selective about how I dole out my love, my generosity, my care. Is it love or pity that I extend to those less fortunate? And probably, it's some of both.

For me, and probably for many of you as well, it's much easier to love those less fortunate than it is to love those who have wronged you or someone you love.

I find that self-righteous anger on behalf of someone gets me every time!

A friend of ours was sharing a story about how her dad had been a faithful servant of a church for many, many, many years as assistant pastor, specifically in caring for the sick, bereaved, and elderly. He was approaching retirement, but to hear the actions of the people, how they tried to slander him and effectively push him out of the church (i.e. laying him off), then bringing him in front of the congregation to honor him and thank him for all his years of service, congratulating him on his retirement, all the while knowing that he really had no intention of retiring yet.

I scarcely know the man, but the anger and indignance I felt on his behalf was causing me to see red and spout off all sorts of things that I'd have done instead to prove that he wasn't the person he was being painted to be.

Yet his actions were to humbly stand by, pray for grace, and move on, realizing that these people were not acting in Christ's love and to stay there was poisonous anyway. His actions were so glorifying of God that I found myself deeply respecting the man, but also ashamed by my own reaction.

How often do we try to prove ourselves to others who simply aren't worthy rather than letting go and letting God?

In Romans 12:17-19, we are told, "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord."

Had my friend's father defended himself certainly no one would have thought him wrong for doing so... but we aren't called to do what's right in the eyes of the court of popular opinion. We're called to do what's right in the eyes of God.

Are you concerned with your personal safety and comfort?

Unfortunately, the older I get (and the more out of shape I get), the more my answer is 'yes' -- I'm far too concerned with my personal safety. Not so much comfort perhaps, but safety. Would you believe Jon's had a motorcycle for 4 years and I've not once taken a ride with him? That said, I don't fear death, I fear leaving my kids. The thought of them living their life without me or without Jon is gut-wrenching. At the same time, I have got to stop living my life in fear that they will lose me -- or I'll deprive both myself and them of amazing experiences in this life!

Do you connect with the poor in some way?

I eluded to this a bit in my last post. I really enjoy serving. The amount of money I make or don't make has never been of huge importance to me. To be completely honest, I couldn't tell you exactly what my salary is -- I can ballpark it, but I've no idea the exact figure.

That said... I don't serve right now nearly as much as I'd like to. Nor do I serve as much as I'd like for my kids to. My husband runs a homeless center, so HE serves through his job. And part of my serving the homeless comes inherently in offering my free services for designing tools for his agency to use, as well as supporting his odd hours and stressed out evenings. But again... that's more indirect serving of the poor than really getting down and dirty amongst them. Putting a name to their face. Showing them that I value them and that God loves them. I don't do that as much as I'd like.

We've got a very unique living situation in our community. Not us specifically, but the whole community. We're what's known around here as a "vendor community" -- lots of big companies have their employees living in our general area. As a result, I've never lived in a place that's so charity focused. Every weekend there's at least one cause holding an event of some sort, and usually there are multiple. While that's good in many, many ways, it's also somewhat of a challenge. There are lots of "popular" big name charities that easily get the support. Then there are littler charities that truly need the support that don't get them because the support goes to the "popular" charities. Also, while people are out and about volunteering and supporting the cause (our family is always ALL there volunteering when my company sponsors an event), much of the actual "sacrifice" comes on behalf of the company. Admittedly that could very well be more speculation than truth -- but for every charity event I've worked in the last 2 years (approximately 12 events), I've freely given my time -- but nothing more. Not to discount the giving of time... but could I have been giving more? Certainly!

I also must add that it's simply not POSSIBLE to give everywhere. So I challenge you as I challenge myself -- find where God wants you to give. And then give with abandon. And give glory to God.

Do you consider service a burden?

As I mentioned before, I really enjoy serving. I find that when I've finished, I may have just "received" as much as those I was serving. Your inner cup is filled to overflowing with acts of service.

When I worked at Bible Camp, the sign on the door INSIDE the staff quarters (i.e. the door going to the outside) said, "Servants Entrance." I loved that sign. We should all be entering the world as servings and seeking opportunities to serve others.

My problem with serving lately is that I serve when it's convenient. And that's a box I need to get myself out of. I've allowed serving to be a burden if it intrudes on my family time or when I'm already particularly bogged down with other things. In having that attitude, I've become selfish and I fail to acknowledge all the blessings God has given to me. Again, I'm not discounting the need to refresh -- but I also assert that sometimes refreshing comes from serving.

Have you ever served so hard you thought you'd collapse out of sheer exhaustion -- but felt you had the energy and exhuberance to run a marathon? I need to get back to that place. It's a wonderful place to be!

Are you a giver or a taker? Do you think of others before yourself?

I just may be a waffler on this one. I do believe that generally speaking I think of others and am a giver. But as with how I serve -- sometimes I'm picky about who I place before myself and how I give. I know I don't carte blanche think of others first or give.

My Mom had all these little wonderful sayings she taught me growing up. Some were original, others I'm sure were passed to her from someone else. And frankly, I'm not sure which are which, so you'll just have to forgive my improper accreditation! :) But one that she always told me was JOY - the way to truly have JOY was to use those letters as a reminder of your priorities. Jesus. Others. You. To truly be happy, Jesus must be put first. But you should be self-sacrificing and put others before yourself. The road of selfishness is a lonely one.

Do you think more about heaven or the here and now.

Wow. Easy answer. But not one I'm proud of. I think of the here and now. I don't know that I think of heaven very frequently at all. Certainly when songs about heaven come on. And I do think about and talk to Jesus frequently. But my thoughts are more centralized on what He does here. I need to work on that one.

Does your love for God come above and before every other thing and being?

My answer is yes, absolutely it does. However, I don't know that my actions and words would always illustrate that to others. And frankly, if my actions and words don't reflect my love for God -- that's another area I need to spend some time and prayer on.

Are you "raw" with God, or do you mask your shortcomings?

I think growing up knowing that God knows it all allowed me to never really hide things from God. That said, I've done some pretty good convincing of myself that perhaps a sin wasn't that bad, and therefore it went unconfessed for a long time. However, I don't think I have to get all fancied up before God -- I think I show Him my imperfections.

Are you in a daily intimate relationship with God.

I'm so thankful that relationships are a process and that God has my heart. I pray that the Holy Spirit works in my heart that I may love Him more and grow closer and closer in my relationship with Him. While I have a relationship with God, it's not as strong, as close, as intimate as I'd like for it to be. I confess I don't daily make time for God. I involve myself in Bible Study and book clubs such as this one so that I can provide myself more discipline and have accountability partners. Certainly those methods of fellowship help. But I know that God deserves more of me, and I'm striving to continue to grow in my love for Him. Additionally, I'm striving to plant that seed of love in my children, so that they desire a strong and intimate relationship with the Lord as well.

Is your joy based in circumstances and environment or do you believe it's a gift that must be chosen and cultivated?

This is another of my Mom-isms that I grew up with: my Mom continually told us (and still does to this day), "Happiness is a choice." You must choose to be happy despite the situation. Now certainly that doesn't mean giddy smiles at inappropriate times. But knowing that "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose," (Romans 8:28) should give us peace and hope in times of trouble and strife. The happiness we choose is much, much deeper than the result of temporary circumstances.

The last few years have been some of the more stressful ones of my life as both home and work responsibilities have increased (i.e. we had kids and I received promotions). All are blessings, all are gifts from God. But I have had times where I've struggled with how to balance it all and maintain my priorities in my life. I have had to cut things out of my life that I didn't necessarily want to cut out (and need to figure out how to work back in -- i.e. working out!). There have been many days when I haven't chosen happiness, and when I've instead opted to give into my stress.

What a short sighted and self-destructive decision! I still struggle with that. I daily remind myself that God has blessed me immensely, that giving into stress is a selfish response, choosing joy, choosing happiness, is the only healthy response there is -- for both me and my family. And certainly, it's the only response that brings glory to God.

Do you know that you will never be able to repay the Savior for what He has done for you, so therefore the best way you can thank Him is to be faithful and obedient in every aspect of your life?

The gift of our Lord and Savior just blows me away. The fact that God requires us simply to accept the gift of His Son just absolutely blows me away. The fact that He doesn't require us to complete X number of steps, courses, or chartiable hours to be worthy of His gift is humbling. And knowing that even if we did all that, we'd still not be worthy.... wow. All he asks of us is our obedience. Yet... why is that so hard to give Him?

At Bible Study Monday night, our leader was sharing a story of when her son was a young boy. He was being wayward, as young boys can be. *grin* After scolding him, he sheepishly approached her with puppy dog eyes and said, "But Mommy, I LOVE you!" Her response was, "If you LOVE me, MIND me."

She said that the instant the words came out of her month she was stopped dead in her tracks by God saying, "Exactly! If you LOVE me, MIND me."

Why is it such an easy and important lesson for us to teach to our kids... but such a challenging one to follow ourselves?

Heavenly Father, I love you. I want to grow more in love with you, I want to learn more about you, I want my heart to be bursting with that love. Lord, I want to serve on your behalf. I want others to see you through my words and actions. Lord, work in my heart in such a way that I find it impossible to disobey you. Provide me opportunities to show my love and desire to serve you, and help me to be obedient in those opportunities. Amen.